The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
You Might Also Like
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
when someone rings the doorbell
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Can’t stop laughing
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch