*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My god she’s good.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Same post same
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
This pepper has seen some shit
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
💁🏻♂️