In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
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I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe