I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.