[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
can I use a minion as a tampon
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.