ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans