I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Need WebMD
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.