You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
The point of your 20s
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex