Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.