Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons