An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
🤣