Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
You Might Also Like
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors