Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Meowchelangelo
What the hell happened in there??
Life hack
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE