So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.