HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
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6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
PLOT TWIST:
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
my name if I was in the mob
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.