I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job