Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
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Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
What the dentist sees
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.