If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
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I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely