My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.