Strange
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You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Most fashion shows these days…
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*