If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
There’s always that one guy
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you