I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
You Might Also Like
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
This is hilarious….
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.