My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school