People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.