Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
ㅤ A R G H
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups