Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
tis the season
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old: