“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
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ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
same vibe as tangled headphones
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Always 🥴
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me