[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews