Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Candles never taste the way they smell
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.