My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Godspeed, John Glenn
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!