When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours