[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.