It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
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Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I’ve been learning to cook.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.