Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
who wants to go expliring
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings