When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.