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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
🤣🤣
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”