adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Eat…
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My Guy