INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I love art.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t