My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.