Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
my fav colour is also hitler
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
The struggle is real.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes