i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
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I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Yoga Matt
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!