Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
You Might Also Like
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Always the camel, never the toe.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.