Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out