Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
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Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.