I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*