[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
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Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
it is time once again
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.