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My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Good morning!
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats