If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full