A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
You Might Also Like
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Oh my God.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.