My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.